Bus Ride

 [Here's a short story I wrote last spring. I held onto it thinking I might want to try selling it someday, but now I realize I'm probably never going to do that, so I might as well post it here.]

Bus Ride (by Jody Paulson)

The clouds made everything look gray. Kelly never liked the spring. It’s better than winter, but not much. You expect flowers to bloom and bunnies to frolic. All you get is mud and a runny nose.

She was on the bus riding back to her motel room. She lived there, paying monthly rent. She used to wonder about people like that. When she was little she knew a teacher (who she now realized was totally gay) who lived in the one motel in her crappy little town. She always felt kind of sorry for him. He must have been very poor. He also drove a lame car. At least he had a car, thought Kelly, frowning.

Suddenly, the bus lurched to a stop.  The less sturdy passengers flew forward in their seat.

“What the hell?!!” bellowed the driver, a 300-pound woman with a teeny weeny afro.  Kelly craned her neck with the other passengers to see what the driver was staring at.

“Holy fuck! It’s an elephant!” shouted a young man in shredded jeans.

Everyone excitedly put out their cell phones to get a picture, as if they were on safari.  A few made calls: “Girl…! You won’t believe what I’m seein' on the bus right now!” The driver radioed dispatch: “There’s an elephant in the middle of the street!”

“April Fool’s was yesterday, Tiana.”

“This ain’t no joke! This ain’t no joke! Listen to all these people up in here!” Everyone crowded to the front window assured dispatch that there was in fact an elephant on the street sauntering casually, almost curiously, their way.

It’s an African elephant, thought Kelly. Not the tame, Indian kind you’d find at a circus, giving kids a ride. She remembered how to tell the difference: Africans had big ears that looked like Africa, and Indians had smaller ears that look like India. This was a wild elephant! “It must have escaped from the zoo!” she said.

“No way!” said a disheveled man with a straggly gray beard.  “The zoo is half way across town!”

Well, I don’t think it swam over the Atlantic, thought Kelly, giving him a sharp look.  “That’s not a tame elephant. It’s a wild animal, and he might be extremely dangerous. Everyone needs to stay in the bus.”

“No shit!” laughed the guy in shredded jeans.

The elephant was ambling closer to the bus. It approached the driver’s side window.  Kelly saw it’s ancient-looking eye peering in. The driver drew back sharply, as if she’d seen a spider.  “Lord Jesus, help me!” She got out of her chair and stepped backward.

HONK! Went a car behind them. HONK, HONK-HONKA-HONK HONK! Kelly whipped her head around to see who the idiot was.  Some dumbass in a dirty gray Honda.  He actually stuck his head out the window.  “I’ve got places to go!  I don’t have TIME for a some goddam circus show!”  He laid in on his horn.

This clearly upset the bull elephant, who significantly outweighed his rival behind the bus. “Waa-aa!”  He trumpeted, swinging his massive head, trunk THWACKING the side of the bus. Oh, no! thought Kelly.  He’s about to charge!

But a car coming toward them from the other side of the street distracted him.  A girl got out of the back seat.  She looked about seven years old. She pointed at the elephant in awe, mouth wide open. The driver opened her door and grabbed at the girl’s arm, desperately trying to pull her back in.  Kelly wasted no time.  She stepped up to the wheel and honked the horn.

“What are you doing?!” shouted the driver.

“I’m distracting it from the girl!”

“You’re going to make it mad!”

“We’re bigger than he is!” said Kelly.

“Not if he breaks a window!” said the driver.

The driver grabbed Kelly’s arm and pulled her off the platform.  “I’m gettin’ out of here!”  The driver slid her massive butt back in the seat and grabbed the wheel, checking her mirror.

But the elephant had other plans. He stepped in front of the windshield and lifted his trunk, trumpeting, and whapped at the driver, striking the window.  He looked mad.

The girl was back in the car and the door slammed shut, the Honda backed away and made a U turn to get the hell out of there.  The street was relatively quiet but another car was coming, saw the elephant, and did the same thing.  Now, up the street there was honking everywhere as everyone panicked and tried to warn everyone else.  Accordingly, there was pandemonium in the bus.

“He’s gonna break the window!”

“We’re bigger than he is! Drive! Drive!”

“No! Back away!”

Many people rushed to the back of the bus. The driver, with newfound courage, stood her ground. “Move!” she snarled, and put the bus in gear. The elephant backed away and whapped the windshield with its trunk. He somehow knew this massive vehicle before him was being operated by the relatively puny human being behind the wheel, and if he could just break the window he’d show her who’s boss.

Kelly jerked her head back as people stepped out of their houses with cell phones, hoping to get a shot of the elephant battling the city bus.  As if their porches made them safe! Everyone outside made a ruckus (Kelly was sure they all called each other) as if they were at the circus and the lion suddenly went apeshit and started to attack his trainer. They just had to get this on youtube.

“Get back!” yelled Kelly, trying to shoo them indoors. But her voice was lost in the din of the other passengers, some of which had taken heart from the outside spectators and resumed their own filming from the front of the bus, as if they were safe and secure behind a plexiglass screen at the zoo.

At this point, the elephant lowered its trunk under the corner of the bus. To Kelly’s amazement, it actually lifted the left front part of the bus off the ground.  “Ah-ahh!!!” went the crowd inside, rushing to the back of the bus, grabbing the bars and straps to stay upright. The power of such an act would never have occurred to Kelly. She would have been surprised to see any animal pick up the bus driver, frankly. And yet this creature might actually topple the entire bus on its side.

“Wee-oh! WEE-OH! WEE-OH! WEE-OH!” It was a siren. Apparently someone called the cops, and the cops somehow believed them. Thank goodness, thought Kelly.

But this wasn’t good. Because just as the squad car pulled up to the scene, the men inside treated it like a shootout in progress. The younger partner actually ran out of the car and crouched behind it, bracing his pistol, aiming directly at the massive beast. His partner stayed in the car and radioed for backup.

Kelly shoved her way to the window. “NO!” She gesticulated wildly with her arms, making the “X” sign as if she were in the audience of America’s Got Talent. She signed for him to holster his gun. If there was one thing that would really, really piss that elephant off, it would be shooting it with a regular gun. Even Kelly knew you couldn’t kill an elephant with a pistol. You could empty the whole cartridge and all you’d do is make it mad. Didn’t the rookie cop realize this? Kelly guessed not. You don’t get much experience dealing with elephants in Fort Wayne, Indiana.

“Open the door!” shouted Kelly.

“Are you stupid?!”

“No. That cop is. If he tries to shoot that elephant he’ll kill us all.”

The driver looked at the cop, looked at Kelly, and shook her head. “It’s your funeral,” she said, and quickly opened the door. Kelly ran out and waved her arms. “Stop! You can’t kill it with that thing! You’ll just make it mad!”

“Get back in the bus, lady!” yelled the rookie.

But the door was already closed behind her, and the driver was honking her horn, trying to back away while “Jumbo” was distracted.

“Did you call the zoo? They’ll know what to do. You can’t kill an elephant with a pistol. First of all, from what I’ve seen, he hasn’t even hurt anybody!”

Jumbo trumpeted again. He didn’t seem interested in Kelly, who was on the other side of the bus. His beef was with the bus driver, who was controlling the one thing that was bigger than he was. Except … if he succeeded in toppling the bus on its side, it would land on Kelly. So she stepped out in front of the bus and waved her arms.

There was a sudden outcry on the bus. “Aww, man! She’s gonna get us all killed!” As if trying to save the elephant and anyone it might attack from certain death if that cop started shooting was an act of violence.

“Get out of the street, lady!” yelled the rookie. His partner in the car was on the radio going apeshit, eyes bulging like he was choking on a donut.

“Don’t you dare shoot him!” yelled Kelly. “He hasn’t hurt anyone!”

“He just tried to pick up that bus you were on!”

But now Jumbo had lost interest in the bus. He wandered around the front to see what the irksome lady was yelling about.

At this point, Kelly really, really wished she had some peanuts. Then it occurred to her she actually did have potato chips. They were in her backpack. The elephant, who was more curious than anything, sniffled at Kelly’s head and tussled her hair as she bent down to retrieve the family-sized bag.

The rookie was stymied. He no longer had a clear shot of the beast’s head as he turned his rear toward the patrol car. Shooting the elephant now would clearly endanger the lady especially if what she said about their supposed invulnerability were true.

“Sully!” radioed his partner in the patrol car. “The guys at animal control say don’t shoot. We need to secure the area and get everyone inside!”

Kelly pulled a bag from her backpack. She pulled it apart with a desperate tug and chips went flying. The elephant knew the bag had food and dipped his trunk in it, sniffing and snorting. He somehow grabbed it and dumped the contents on the street so he could root around for the bright yellow chips.

“Don’t shoot! Don’t shoot!” A swarthy foreign guy shouted from his truck pulling a special trailer that looked like something you could put an elephant in. He opened the door and rushed out to defend his charge.

The rookie tilted his head and looked at the swarthy man incredulously. “Are you responsible for this?!” he said, lowering his gun slightly.

“I have raised this elephant from a baby!” said the man, who Kelly supposed was East Indian. “His mother was killed by poachers. I am taking him to the zoo.”

“He tried to flip over that bus!” yelled the cop. Everyone on the bus concurred. They were apoplectic with rage. They wanted that elephant’s brains splattered on the windshield. Never mind how dangerous such an act would be.

“Everyone evacuate the area!” boomed the other cop through a loudspeaker. “This animal is extremely dangerous!” Jumbo was busy picking up potato chips and stuffing them in his mouth. He obviously recognized his handler and wanted to scoop as many chips as possible before he was prodded back in the trailer.

A few people who were filming the affair lowered their phone and reluctantly went back inside, but it was clear they weren’t rushing for the back door. Many just went to their front window and continued documenting the drama playing out before them. A few held their ground. This was gonna go viral, man!

The swarthy man tried to coax the elephant into behaving, speaking in a foreign tongue. The elephant trumpeted softly, shaking its massive head, trying to scoop up more potato chips. Kelly stepped away so she was clearly visible to the rookie. Again she signed for him to holster his pistol, and yelled, “See? He’s tame! He’s not going to hurt anybody!”

Just then another siren could be heard and squad cars were rushing their way. Jumbo shifted his feet and trumpeted. Everyone on the bus could be heard groaning again, and general mayhem resumed.

Oh, no … thought Kelly. They’re gonna shoot him!

Again, the cops treated the situation like a shootout, rushing behind their cars with helmets and flak jackets, as if the elephant were going to fire back. But this time they were armed with rifles. The intent was clear. They meant to take Jumbo out. Permanently.

Kelly knew all these guns would kill an elephant. But he didn’t do anything wrong! Why would you endanger … No, no! She wouldn’t have it! “Stop!” she yelled, waving her arms. “Don’t shoot!” With no thought for her safety, she strode out and put herself in front of the great beast who had stopped munching on potato chips and faced the patrol cars with a menacing look.

“Get out of the way!” yelled a rifleman.

“What are you going to do? Shoot me?!”

Jumbo put his trunk on Kelly’s shoulder, almost if he were trying to push her to safety. Kelly supposed he must have remembered his mother being shot with a rifle. They say an elephant never forgets …

But Kelly knew they wouldn’t shoot the beast if he could fall on her – it would kill her. And it was plain he wasn’t attacking her. After all, she just gave him potato chips.

“Stop! Stop!” yelled the swarthy man, rushing ahead to stand with Kelly. “This animal belongs to the zoo! I was transporting him there when he escaped his trailer. I tell you he has caused no mischief!”

“No mischief!?” yelled the rookie, incredulous.

During this exchange, Kelly crouched down and refilled the torn bag of potato chips. Jumbo took notice and started mussing her hair. I’m going to get that elephant back in his trailer, she thought. They can’t shoot him there!

“I tell you he only just got out five minutes ago! I tell you I raised this elephant from a baby and he has never attacked a single human being! You must not shoot him!”

More sirens. More policemen rushing to get all the people on their porches away from the area.

“Let’s get him in the trailer,” said Kelly, trying to keep her bag of potato chips from spilling back on the pavement. Jumbo obviously loved them. “How did he get out?”

“This elephant is very clever!” said the swarthy man. “He lifted the bar on his enclosure while I was at a traffic stop!”

“Well, I know how to fix that --!” said Kelly, beaming. “I have duct tape in my backpack!”

“Yes, but can we get him back in? I am not sure it can be done!”

“Sure it can!” said Kelly, shaking her potato chip bag, top clamped shut with her left hand. This caught Jumbo’s attention. Somehow, he knew Kelly wasn’t frightened of these “poachers” at all.

“Come on, buddy!” Kelly said, waving the bright yellow bag. “Follow me!”

Jumbo trailed after Kelly, but he knew what she was up to when she headed for the back of the trailer.

“Wah!” he said, shaking his massive head, as if to say no. His trainer quickly pulled out a ramp. Kelly sprinkled a few chips on the ground, keeping the bag close to her chest. Jumbo started to pick them up with his trunk, while his trainer discreetly got out a tool to gently prod him back into his trailer. To Kelly’s great surprise, Jumbo willingly stepped up the ramp, snagging the whole bag of potato chips as he went. He dumped the entire contents on the floor, as if to say, I’ve had enough of this nonsense for today. Let’s go, driver!

The swarthy man quickly and expertly “secured” the enclosure, and Kelly made it extra secure with a few wraps of duct tape.

Outside, the police were all on their radios, evacuating the area, milling around with their sunglasses, in a big commotion over – nothing.

Kelly waited for the swarthy man to get into his truck. “Thank you!” he said gratefully. “You will never know what good you have done! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!” He said, and couldn’t get out of there fast enough. Amazingly, the police let him go. Everyone turned their attention on Kelly, left standing in the middle of the street. Maybe she was about to go viral on youtube. Frankly she didn’t care. She just wanted to go …

Home? The bus was gone.

“Can I give you a ride somewhere?” said a young, good-looking police officer.

“Yes,” said Kelly. “Yes, you can.”